Author Archives: kaoricierra

26 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Tonight is officially my last night in my 2nd trimester. Tomorrow is the beginning of our 3rd and final trimester and this last week, I have been deep in my feel and crying lots.

On my way to our bedroom tonight, I passed the guest bedroom where we have the instax photos framed in the hallway and I stopped and stared at the picture of mommy, papa, and I. I smiled at what a sweet picture that was and what a sweet period that was that I got to live with and spend time with the both of them together for the first time in my adult life. (Realizing I want that to be a whole post of it’s own: Making a reel on how my mom and dad met for the first time and writing a story about that period of my life with the journal entries from that time)

Seeing that picture of mommy, papa, and I made me realize how I won’t get to take a picture like that again and that was my last and only time I’d get to live with and enjoy their presence together. It was as if, papa was here now, but mommy was back home in LA and I almost forgot that she’s not here anymore. That I can’t go back to visit her to let that happen again.

I feel like ever since I met vitor, I got swept away into this adventure (dating, bus life, international travels, etc.), even Peace Corps actually, that I got to step away and live this separate simultaneous life with her experiencing a different reality in a different space as I shared from my adventure and she was having an adventure of her own (started with her dancing friends, festivals, travels, and then her medical and cancer experiences that felt so close and so far at the same time.

It just hit me tonight. Like a reminder. That here I am off on another adventure with my hubby and seeing her picture had me feeling guilty that she’s not here and living a separate simultaneous reality of her own wherever she is.

I just got home from a day at WDW with Emily, where I felt how much I missed Vitor’s company, energy, and conversations. I came home to him eager to hear if I had a good time and when I told him that I missed him, he shared that we also need to practice being apart from each other, which initially hurt me but now I’m so touched and moved by.

He told me that he was afraid or worried about how I’d be if he were to die and that he knows how mommy grieved forever for Alan and when…

V: I’m afraid or worried about how you’ll be without me if I die

K: you don’t think I’ll be okay without you?

V: no I know how your mom was with Alan and I don’t want that for you

K: but that’s me and how i feel and mourn fully. I know you want me to move on and be happy without you, so I’ll go date even if I don’t want to lol

My thoughts now… the truth is mommy mourned the life they didn’t get to have that they were waiting for and looking forward to AFTER us kids were taken care of. She always put us first. What I know is different already is that I feel full from the life we’ve already lived through together, and I’m so grateful for every memory and moment we shared. So when our story ends, I’ll have lots of sweet, beautiful creations and memories of our journey and will still mourn the loss of the future we planned together. And I’ve been through this training with him where he reminds me “how long do you need to be here for? When do you feel is enough to move on?” And I’ll give myself the time to mourn so that I can get the time to continue to live ❤️

But you’d rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars. Tell who I have to be… to gain some reciprocity. Cause no one loves you more than me and no one ever will.

No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain’t working

(But what about me?) Sometimes there’s a couple like you and me but you’re never gonna see a hot girl alone in the jacuzzi.

Is not fun with him right now and my feelings are hurt. I feel defensive, annoyed, and hurt that this is so hard and heavy for him.

The other side: Even though he is heavy and tired, he wants to help and plan together. He just took time and energy to think, plan, and talk about wedding stuff together even though his heart isn’t really in it. He still put in effort and gave me great ideas and structure to my planning.

I’m just mad because I’m taking his help and effort as him saying that I’m not doing it right and he needs to show me what to do.

Why am I so heartbroken that he thinks that? I mean he’s not wrong lol I just hate that he knows it and sees right through me.

(Pausing a podcast that he’s sharing with me about relationships and knowing your own needs.) V: I think I know what you need. What do you think I need? K: Freedom and Happiness V: Yea you’re right you got it. I think yours is reassurance. You always want to make sure we’re good and you need to hear it from me.

I instantly felt hurt, exposed, and heartbroken. You mean all this work I’m trying to do to take care of myself you so you don’t have to feel like I always need assurance isn’t working? Are you saying I’ve failed in my self-development work of healing my insecurities and you can still see and feel them??

But he’s not wrong. Because here I am one week later and we know he’s been through it enough after 3 years together.

We were having a great night at the gym working out hard together and then in the sauna I typed my Bereavement counselors name, “Natalie” to see if we could have a session tomorrow, but only got up to Nat on my phone when a bunch of other contacts who I didn’t know popped up, like ‘Natalie – Tinder’ and Natascha or something. The thing is this was the 3rd or 4th time this had happened since Vitor logged me into his YouTube account so I could use his premium for free. Ever since then (a few weeks now) I’ve been watching names pop up that I don’t want to see (his ex-wife, her dad, girls names with where he met them- Tinder, Salsa, countries). The first few times I was hurt upset and confused. By now I was just annoyed and over it. So I deleted his YouTube account from my phone and then when we got back in the car I told him.

I didn’t think much of it, just wanted to let him know what I saw because I think I felt guilty for seeing things that I wasn’t meant to see. But once he got quiet, I got weird and thought maybe I shouldn’t have told him? He thought it was weird that it bothered me and that I couldn’t just keep using his account but I told him I wasn’t mad or accusing him off anything. I just wanted to be real with him and let him know what happened. Then I got defensive, distant, and weird with him.

Just spent the last hour here at the gym listening to him helping me and talking about wedding planning like 😍

First weekend at home in Valrico with Papa and Vitor and I’m still giddy and high from how much fun we’re having and how we’re enjoying this painting and working together experience 🥰

My favorite frame from today: Dancing in the kitchen to our Wedding Dance playlist being silly, blasting music, singing and dancing and laughing while cooking and preparing dinner in our kitchen while Papa is in his room. Salsa music comes on and I’m peeling eggshells by the sink and he holds out his hand and says, “Wanna try?” I’m looking at his hand trying to figure out what he’s offering me in his hand and then realize he’s asking me if I wanna dance. He’s showing off his moves and leading me, spinning me, and then he gets all crazy and spins me, we fall over, and then he’s on top of my bumping and grinding me as I’m laughing my ass off in the kitchen floor. Gosh I love this man 😘