Author Archives: kaoricierra

He shows me his work chat to show me when he last heard from him boss about his annual review and I went back to seeing who he recently chatted with on the left and went back into time while brushing my teeth feeling the hurt, pain, and upset from that one time he had his computer open in his apartment

I saw that he had chatted with Tiffany and said to her, “you looked good the other night”, referring to the time we all met up for Biz’s fancy birthday dinner. I remember feeling so betrayed and cheated on seeing that message and the other flirty texts and emojis about going to happy hour. Thank goodness she didn’t encourage his behavior but it made me disgusted how he could be so flirtatious with another woman while having me in next to him and living with him. Mom helped me chalk it up to being nice and not making a big deal out of it, but 3 years later I’m still so hurt and upset by what I saw and I’m not sure if I’m mad that I can’t say anything because it was so long ago or I shouldn’t have even been looking at his chats but it has me aching about how he could still be flirting with other women and I wouldn’t even know. Do I need to know? Why does this hurt me so much? Why do I need him to only tell me these things? Why can’t he appreciate another woman’s beauty and let her know? Why am I so threatened by that? Why does it hurt? He told that beautiful girl on Halloween that she was beautiful right next to me with his arm around me and I agreed and was honored that he could do that while being with me. Is it that he did that without my knowing that hurt?

At the gym with Vitor and when we looked in the mirror I asked him, “do you wanna take before and after pictures?” That reminded him of the 3 month challenge I paid for while in Brazil and he asked what happened to that. “I knew it” he replied smugly when I told him I didn’t win and I didn’t submit after pictures. He was judging the waste of $80 from the beginning and I got defensive. “It’s my money. I can do what I want with it. I’m going to make value of it. I took pictures of my body before which I would have never done if it wasn’t for that program. Whatever I don’t need to explain myself to you. I’m sure you’ve spent some money you didn’t put to good use…” (knowing fully what I was beginning to refer to but didn’t want to talk about it). “Like what?” he said leaning in smiling as if reading me. “I don’t know. You know better than I do…” and then it got quiet and my head went a million miles an hour. How much did he pay for a happy ending he wasn’t too happy about? How much did he pay for the 2 he got while I was away? Bet it was way more than what I paid for the 3 month fitness challenge. What an unsupportive perverted jerk to judge me on my fitness spending and then go pay hundreds of dollars on 2 fuckin dirty hand jobs. Ugh not proud of these thoughts but be to release.

Trying to chalk it up to each of our own “Personal Empowerment Expenses” to create space for non- judgement and personal freedom

I’ve tapped into this inner peace that feels like it’s my core or a tunnel linking my chakras. I took a deep breath and visualized my breath entering my pussy, clearing and moving through my exhale. I was reminded that there’s a calm, still space within that is my deep knowing, my truth, and my home.

I get to travel to many places in here (my body) and out there (covering miles of Earth) but what I tapped into today is that there are places (in here) that only I’ve seen and that only I know about.

What I’m finding interesting is that I often share with those I’m with about the places I go inside (my head, soul, consciousness) and really that person is mostly Vitor. So when I’ve been to knew places (which I have lots on my 3 week self-honeymoon), I feel almost guilty or uncomfortable how to be with him. There’s a new territory between us and it’s kinda nice to keep it sacred and to myself. It feels like a naughty secret I’m keeping to myself that I really don’t need him but want him to feel needed.

First night back in bus life and I was so happy to come back in here but feeling so uncomfortable next to him.

I have been so happy, comfortable, free, and at peace the past few weeks on my own that I’m feeling irritated at how unpleasant our reconnect has been for me.

I’m upset that I care who he’s looking at on IG, that I’m afraid he’s hiding it from me, that it makes me want to see if there’s anything he’s hiding from me. I’m irritated that I have to be considerate or coordinate or be in the space of his upset.

I wish I didn’t care

Ps. Yesterday sucked 😒 I cried in IKEA, felt like I wasn’t doing enough, wasn’t being appreciated for what I can do, and not his dream girl to interior design with. I expressed myself, we got quiet, he hugged and kissed me, we shopped, talked, and wore ourselves out until closing and didn’t get what we came for. I felt tense, frustrated, hurt, and confused.

I just met our new neighbor Terry and his son who lives across the street. They’ve lived here for 18+ years and have known the last 3 people who have lived in this house. He’s super sweet and is also dealing with cancer and is a handyman and everything. I learned that recycling and natural waste (brown and blue cans) are today and Friday is waste (black). He’s the second house to the left and he likes to drink and smoke his medical Marijuana. He invited us over and we connected on liking this slower pace. I told him my name was KC for him to remember my initials and he told me that the girl from Kansas city is also single and lives in her own there for 2 years now.

The craziest part to me is that I was trying to figure out where to go and what to do but how perfect was that timing of me coming home and sitting in my driveway to meet our neighbor!

Oh Brasil!
Being in another country, surrounded in a new language and culture invigorates me in so many ways. I get to experience that nervousness and frustration of not being able to express myself, the joy and triumph of sharing my thoughts and feelings, the peace of being alone with my thoughts when I turn off the sounds around me, and the immersive language class I get to attend when I turn on and pay attention to my surroundings.

During this past month, Brazil had me feeling luscious, rich, intrigued, liberated, inspired, and loved. I see the luscious greens that surround me and feel how much life there is to experience. I feel rich in my relationships, connections, opportunities, and experiences. I feel intrigued by all the new things to learn about and all the different ways things can be done. I feel liberated in my coyness and get permission to be seen, admired and to show some butt cheeks 😜

After my 3rd time visiting and almost a month living in Rio de Janeiro with Vitor and his family, I’ve gotten more & more comfortable and seeing how many places we get to call home.